Ive been no contact for 3 years and want to encourage other scapegoats to make this decision. Family Scapegoating: Signs, Dealing With, And Healing From Anyway, I appreciate all the sharing of experiences. They may question if they are, in fact, the cause behind the bad things they were accused of doing. They might be strong-willed and defiant, thus undermining the abusers position of supreme authority. WebIf you are the scapegoat, its not about you. Its important to remember that just because the abuser has singled out the scapegoat who left as their main target, it doesnt mean that they have any sense of loyalty towards the other family members who enabled or participated in their abusive behavior. Narcissists are masters at manipulating the truth. Its important to note that the main abuser will often make a concerted effort to keep tabs on the scapegoat after theyve left. So what happens for the narcissist when the scapegoat finally starts fighting back? Reckless behavior (substance use, self-harm, unprotected sex, shoplifting). They arent allowed to be themselves, nor are they allowed to be imperfect, because that would reflect badly on the parent. I agonized for years how to save them. My intuitive senses definitely heightened and will back up from people or go another way, because I can feel energy I know is not good. Both aunts were sold out by my narcissistic parents who apparently served as accomplices to their siblings/ inlaws belongings being stolen by my sister. After leaving their family of origin, there are a lot of obstacles that scapegoats are going to have to overcome to obtain the happy, healthy, and secure life that they deserve. Theyll be blamed for everything that goes wrong, even if they have nothing to do with it. They will even outright lie about the events that you recount to them. That means the scapegoat may remain in that role indefinitely. At the same time, youll continue to feel resentful and frustrated. The scapegoat has quit after decades of abuse. The child dating someone that the parent doesnt like. Many victims of narcissists often report thinking they met their soulmate when they first met the narcissist. Thanos literally pitted the girls against each other in battle, forcing them to fight again and again. Years later, my mom married a narcissist. Thats what set her off to hate me. I am the only one in my family that has been independent since birth, never asked for money, and it was never offered. They judge the Scapegoat more harshly for going against expectations and downplay the Scapegoats accomplishments and successes. I just need to observe the dynamics, see my lack of understanding in the game, realize that I dont want to participate any more and get away from it. So as painful as it was to accept, I managed to walk away as instructed. But we can all stop this from repeating. Another technique the narcissist employs to manage damage control is to use, triangulation to disrupt any relationships. Now I am married to a wonderful man, my two daughters grew up to be smart, healthy, and beautiful. So you know ,I became the The Mountain Scapegoat. In fact, she failed to destroy me as did my family. If the scapegoat they initially used to fill that role is gone, another one will be found. Reading Suggestion: Is It Selfish To Move Away From Family? I also feel like this reflects my story so much. Remember they might put on an act to draw you in and protect yourself! if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-4','ezslot_2',120,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-4-0'); I was my narcissistic mothers scapegoat, and it was a horribly abusive experience. Narcissism isnt based in logic. I got the blame for all of it???? The life they believed will all be untruths but they cannot heal without first confronting this. Many times, the parent begins hoovering excessively to gain entry back into their life. A simple example of this would be an abusive father using a somewhat fragile son as a scapegoat because the father had an upbringing in an environment where he was ridiculed, mocked, and punished for being weak by his parents. It usually occurs, however, when you are too young to remember it. It hurt me every time that she still gave me Part blame when I didnt do anything but she tried to keep the peace. No one wants the scapegoat to leave because no one wants to ultimately take the scapegoats place. They have a choice then, stay and continue to be abused as the families punching bag of shit, or to walk away. Thats why the narcissist needs a scapegoat. I also remember when I was about 5 she used to call me if there were visistors. Finally, boundaries are imperative. What Happens When The Scapegoat Leaves The Family? Should the scapegoat refuse to be drawn back into the fold and instead choose to maintain zero contact, things will continue to fall apart at home. The narcissist has no one to blame, after all, and they will struggle to find an outlet for their own insecurities. If I was faced with something that reminded me of him, I wouldnt do it. It may take just one event for the narcissistic father or mother to dethrone their golden child into a scapegoat. They infused that false self-image with imagined ideals that every child aspires to be. My story of suffering and, then again, continuously attempting to find my balance in a truly warped family dynamic has shattered me at times and brought me to the point of suicide. Because my NPD mother is very wealthy and holds the strings to a lot of money. Instead, theyre forced to deal with them on their own which is quite literally impossible for them. The truth is that she is the angry and violent one. If they dont have this as their unshakeable foundation, their familial authority and delusions will start to crack. IDK if having contact would be any better though. At times, they may even beg for forgiveness and make lofty promises to change. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-leader-3','ezslot_10',124,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-leader-3-0'); Until the scapegoat leaves, they have been showered with praise. What Are the Characteristics of a Scapegoat, Rivka Yahav, Shlomo A. Sharlin, Blame and family conflict: symptomatic children as. The abuse afterwards never stopt. The look on her face, when I was literally suicidal and in a panicked meltdown, still gives me nightmares. On a subconscious I dont know exactly what happened, but I do know his stepdad raped him, beat him, and starved him. Healing starts here! left his walker, shower seat and canes. Whilst they seem to have it easy, the reality is that they are always on stage being scrutinized, usually suffering from a permanent and crippling case of performance anxiety. Once the scapegoat is gone, however, you can envision how all hell will break loose. But be very careful what you say to them. The golden child is often the member of the family who suffers the most. Yeah. First and foremost, lets revisit what it means to be the family scapegoat. She is a wise and wonderful woman. They often seek out adult partners who will scapegoat them just like their narcissistic parent(s) did. That said, one also has to nurture and care for children as they mature. They can determine who they are and what they want, and dedicate their time to doing what they love instead of perpetually running damage control. A few times the simple act of telling the truth of my situation trying to solicit help for me and my kids in getting my wife intervention and treatmentit would illicit an angry and disgusted response from people who could have helped but did not do their due diligence. For mother would always support them. Nebulas pain, anger, and resentment may resonate for the Scapegoat children who grew up watching a sibling placed upon a pedestal. I never got the connection that I was empathic , that I can feel emotionally hurt more easily and that made me the perfect scapegoat. If you have a narcissistic parent, this freedom is invaluable. At first, this can sound like a tall order. I am so sorry for anyone else who has experienced anything like this. The irony is, if she turned around now and said sorry, was genuine and we drew a line under my 56 yrs and she agreed to move forward and for us to have peace for whatever time we both have left, Id find my peace, Id forgive and Id be so happy. I eventually objected to my sisters joy at the disgraceful comments and actions of dismemberment of me in this family unit?. You arent a bad person. Rather than own personal accountability over their actions, the narcissist can continue to live how they normally live without any real consequences. It was all a set-up ofcourse. Instead, each member blames the scapegoat for the narcissists abuse. It sounds like she wanted to go to her grave in peace instead of taking the poison to her grave to end ,the hell. Child & Family Social Work7(2):91 98, 2002. Cutting off contact for a couple of years helped me with my healing. Whats more, anything they say in a rage is something that comes from a place of insecurity, fear, and mistrust. I am making a declaration that it ends here with me, I will be the last generation after many, many generations of abuse. How do u leave when u have no support. Then she would make a nice show about how special I was and how much she loved me. When scapegoating children, the child is blamed or shamed for all the issues that arise within dysfunctional households. I am choosing to not be a victim. Or, they may complain to a friend about the difficulty of the baby. Quora - A place to share knowledge and better understand the world If a child is giving the parent their narcissistic supply they will continue to be treated as the golden child, but the minute they try to develop a sense of individuality, they will be reverted to scapegoat status because they are no longer acting as the way the narcissistic parent wants. She wanted to still project her envy on you by blame shifting what she caused and never take responsibility for. The main abusive parent may start to unleash all their negativity on their spouse or other child(ren), who are significantly less tolerant than the scapegoat was. Maybe write to them , talk about happy memories, evoke those buried happy memories in their heads, but be prepared if and when they realise the truth, they too will need a huge amount of support. All payed for by her and conditional on her rules. Let's take a deep dive into the psychology of the toxic family dynamics to determine if they self-destruct when the I am sick of my family treating me like shit. Shes changed my kids memories so they remember nothing positive about me. link to Do Narcissists Have Cognitive Dissonance? . If the scapegoat is able to set and maintain firm boundaries with their family of origin after leaving, like going no contact or having very little contact, its very common for their abusers to try to isolate them through a smear campaign. So anxious to be accepted that I performed any task requested to soften their views of me. What Happens from the Narcissists Perspective? They typically make numerous attempts (usually meeting only resistance and denial) to stay emotionally connected before a family member will even consider taking that huge step. They may question if they are, in fact, the cause behind the bad things they were accused of doing. Thank you for this article, it has helped me realize truly that it wasnt me all along. Fortunately my abusers are now dead and I have no contact with their problem offspring. I am very much ready to find a therapist and support system to make sure that we stay free of any of this abuse in the future. Catherine Winter is a writer, art director, and herbalist based in Quebec's Outaouais region. Because of the fact that each family member fears becoming the new scapegoat, the family will also turn to hoovering to try and convince the scapegoat to return. Ive been physically and verbally abused for about four decades, had police called on me when I didnt come home by midnight (my siblings would stay overnight when they wanted or out until 2-3 AM), medicated, gaslighted, bullied into submission when a mandate went against my well-being, had my bedroom door removed dozens of times especially while sexually active, and more. We received a belated wedding gift of a TV. How would they know that not everyone has the same experience? I just couldnt see it. Staying at her house was a nightmare. Contact me if you feel inclined, if you dont , I certainly understand. I dont care about that. Copyright OptimistMinds 2023 | All Rights Reserved. Family Scapegoats I dont want to be the victim, the poor, poor, pitiful me. This is someone with extensive knowledge of the subject matter and highly cited published material. A perfect example of this would be a strong-willed son of a narcissist or abusive father. The family experiences chaos and may also gaslight and hoover the scapegoat, who is going through their own confusion. Finally left him in the ditch but its only been a few months. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-leader-2','ezslot_9',110,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-leader-2-0'); If the family can convince you to come back, no one will have to fear becoming the new family scapegoat. Married at 14 to escape my mother & stepfather & their abuse to me. I dont think my family truly supports me in this. What Happens When the Family Scapegoat Leaves? While I knew (by intuition at that age ofcourse) she never payed affectionate attention to me when no visitors were around. The rest of my huge family is either just oblivious or realizes at some level that standing up to any of them is dangerous. I didnt make a sound, didnt even flinch, just defiantly glared at him with hatred. The courts and law enforcement only made my problem worse and enmeshed my children further by not doing their due diligence and falling for her act of tears and accusations against me. Sadly theyd rather not risk becoming the target themselves, so they allowed (and facilitated) me being the scapegoat, even as a child. Painful, but I will always choose my kids over family of origin.